Joy Amidst Brokenness

To say this past month has been challenging for me—both physically and emotionally—would probably be a gross understatement. Even though I’ve been praying to be brokenhearted for the things of the Lord for the past several years, I have never really thought through what it would be like to truly experience this brokenness. And once I received a glimpse of it, instead of feeling closer to the heart of God, I found myself feeling overwhelmed, discouraged and at times, even a bit depressed. I was broken for our clients as I read the testimonies of bonded laborers who had endured multiple instances of physical, verbal and sexual abuse. I was overwhelmed that even though we had saved many, there are thousands of other laborers still suffering. I was broken for the child beggars asking for money at each street corner and discouraged by the abundance of men and women who sleep on the street side both day and night. I was broken for each and every orphan that I had encountered during our search for Vinod and depressed that while children on the other side of the world (including myself) had experienced childhoods filled with cartoons and fruit snacks, these children were being robbed of their innocence with childhoods filled with pain and abandonment. Now that I had found the brokenness, I had literally lost all of the joy. I knew that God did not desire a broken heart to lead to utter discouragement, but I also did not understand how it was possible to experience joy amidst such suffering.

During this period of emotional brokenness, I became physically sick, and for the second time in two years, dealt with the painful side effects of shingles. Although I was extremely frustrated by my physical well-being, the time of rest it required resulted in some quality time to seek out some answers on the entire purpose behind brokenness. As I began to look up scripture, one particular verse struck me:

“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” [Ps. 16:11]

Through this verse, I began to see that the way in which I was dealing with my brokenness was keeping me from experiencing any type of lasting joy. “In your [God’s] presence, there is fullness of joy…” Instead of seeking God’s presence, I realized how often I run to the presence of other things to find that joy. I seek out the presence of people here, who I think can relate to what I’m feeling or I seek out the presence of friends and family at home for some type of familiar comfort. But the presence of these people, although maybe temporarily relieving my discouragement, still left me feeling ultimately unfulfilled. In order to experience the “fullness of joy”, I needed to stop running to the presence of others before first finding complete satisfaction in the presence of the Lord.  

I knew that God had called me to have a broken heart, but not at the cost of joy. He had called me to be broken, but not to be disheartened. As I struggled to find joy, I found peace in two different purposes for the brokenness that I had been experiencing. First, it is through my brokenness that the power of God is most able to be revealed to me. I am overwhelmed by my brokenness ultimately because I feel overwhelmed by my own lack of power. But this is where God is able to demonstrate his own power. It is not within my power to rescue every single bonded laborer from the abuse they are enduring. It is beyond my ability to provide for every child beggar or to give a home to every single man or woman sleeping on the street. And even though I wish I could, it is not possible for me to care for every single orphan who has been abandoned. But God has not called me to fix all that is broken out of my own power; He has called me to brokenness before Him so that He can display His own power.

Secondly, the purpose of brokenness is not to be discouraged or torn down, but to be strengthened through personal growth.

“We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” [Rom. 5:2-5]

I can find joy amidst suffering by focusing my attention on the potential growth that suffering can produce in my own life. As my heart breaks to see the daily prevalence of suffering and evil all around me, my pride also breaks as I am humbled by the reality of my own lack of power. In the past few weeks, there have been several moments when I’ve literally wanted to walk away from this work and from the things that I’ve been experiencing. But I know that it is through this struggle, that I am learning to press on. And it is through this perseverance, that my true character is developed, character that hopes and finds lasting joy in the abundant love and power of God. 

A Broken Heart

"Heal my heart and make it clean,

Open up my eyes to the things unseen.

Show me how to love like you have loved me.

Break my heart for what breaks yours,

Everything I am for your kingdom’s cause,

As I walk from earth into Eternity."

[Hosanna]

Over the past several years, these lyrics (from Hillsong United) have really touched my heart and I have recited them as a prayer for my life. Little did I know that this was one of those prayers that’s actually a little dangerous to pray, kind of like praying for patience or self-control. Once you ask for those things, God is certain to answer those prayers by sending experiences into your life to test you and build those qualities within you. 

This past week, God has answered this prayer in a powerful, yet challenging way, as my heart has literally been breaking for the things that I truly believe break His own heart. Last week, as my friend, Anu, was on a train home from Bangalore, she watched a mom abandon her three-and-a-half year old son on the train. Before she could do anything about it, the mom had exited the train and the train was moving on towards its destination.  She called the little boy over to her and learned that his name was Vinod. He reassured her over and over again that his mom would be right back, but did not understand the desperate reality of his circumstances.

Anu begged the police officials on the train to do something about the situation, but most turned their head away from her, saying that it was not their district to regulate. When Anu finally reached the final station with the little boy, she was left with very few options. Even though she did not want to give Vinod up, she also knew that it was unrealistic for her to take care of him. So she took him to an orphanage in the city that would provide for his basic needs while she attempted to locate his mother in Bangalore.

Signs were placed all over the train station in Bangalore to search for the mother. Although the mother had abandoned the child, we knew that she must be going through incredible difficulty in order to reach a point where she was forced to give up her precious little boy. If the mother still wanted the boy, Anu committed to supporting her in whatever way possible so that Vinod would not grow up apart from his parents. If it was financial difficulty, she would provide the funding. If it was medical difficulty, she would provide the care.

While the search continued for his mother, Vinod had been handed over to the child welfare system and was moved from orphanage to orphanage across the city. On Friday, Anu and I set off to find the boy to reassure him that he had not been forgotten. Several phone calls were made in the morning, but no one was willing to disclose any information on his whereabouts. So we were left to wait. Finally, on Sunday morning, after hours of persistent phone calling, Anu received an address.

A few hours later, we headed off for the orphanage. We showed his picture to several of the workers but were told that he did not look familiar and had not been brought there. Before we could leave the orphanage, the lunch bell rang, and the cafeteria filled with over 150 physically and mentally disabled orphans. My heart literally broke as one little boy grabbed onto my arm and pulled it close to him. It didn’t matter to him that he had no idea who I was; he just wanted to be shown affection. Whether these kids had been abandoned because of their disabilities or simply because of financial difficulties, their reality was the same. All 150 of these precious children were to grow up without the love and guidance of their own parents.  

We headed to the next orphanage and our spirits brightened as one of the workers recognized the picture of Vinod on my phone. We were brought to a small room and told to wait for a moment. Little did we know that this “moment of waiting” would turn into several hours of arguing for permission to see the little boy. When our persistence finally paid off, Vinod collapsed into Anu’s arms whimpering, “Now we can go home.” For several minutes he stayed tucked into Anu, lifting his head every so often to point and give directions to his home. My heart broke as I looked at his tiny little face, his eyes glazed over with sadness and his chin slightly quivering. I couldn’t even imagine what was going through his mind as in one week’s time, he had been abandoned from his mother and moved from orphanage to orphange across the city.

After revealing some toys that we’d pulled out of a bag, Vinod became quickly attached to a bright blue stuffed bear. For those of you with piles of beanie babies uselessly tucked into the corner of your closet, they still hold the potential to light up the eyes of little children on this side of the world. But it wasn’t until we pulled out a little toy truck, that I heard Vinod’s sweet little giggle, and literally watched his entire face light up. Somehow, toy trucks seem to have the same effect on little boys all over the world. Even though we had less than an hour to spend with Vinod, it was more than enough time for my heart to be broken for all of the orphans that I had encountered that day.  

As we left the orphanage, I was told to be comforted that Vinod was at this orphanage where he would be taken care of: he was clean, well-fed, and would even have the opportunity to receive an education. The life he would be given here would most likely be far better than the life he would have otherwise had. At this point, even if Vinod’s mother wanted him back, it would be very hard for her to gain custody of him. Once a child has been abandoned and placed in government custody, the mother has to make a very compelling case in order to get her child back. Although this is still hard for me to comprehend, I am also able to see the purpose behind it. If Vinod was given back to his mother, what would happen when she faced the next moment where she was unable to provide for him? Would she abandon him again or even worse, would poverty force her to sell him for a small profit as a child beggar?

It was at this moment that I was brought back to the question of, “God, where are you? Why are you allowing all of these children to be born and then abandoned? Why aren’t you taking care of them?” But this time, I felt God’s quick response. Even though Vinod had been abandoned by his mother, he was not abandoned by the Lord. God had taken care of Vinod, by placing Anu on the exact train, at the exact time that his mom had been letting him go.  

"For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though 

he cause grief, he will have compassion according 

to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does 

not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men."

Lamentations 3:31-33

Vinod

Please keep little Vinod in your prayers as he adjusts to life in the orphanage, a life without his mother, but a life full of so much more opportunity. Pray that the Lord will comfort him as he is unable to truly understand his abandonment at such a young age. Pray for his mother, as she wrestles with the pain of losing her son to whatever difficulties she must be facing in her own life. Pray also for the thousands of other orphans who have been abandoned, that they will be provided for and protected from anyone who tries to take advantage of their vulnerability. Finally, I challenge you to pray for a heart that is broken for the things of the Lord, things that truly matter. Although I warn you that this is a dangerous prayer to pray, I also promise that it will lead you to a life of genuine fulfillment, to the only type of life that is worth living. 

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him.'" Lamentations 3:22-24