Joy Amidst Brokenness

To say this past month has been challenging for me—both physically and emotionally—would probably be a gross understatement. Even though I’ve been praying to be brokenhearted for the things of the Lord for the past several years, I have never really thought through what it would be like to truly experience this brokenness. And once I received a glimpse of it, instead of feeling closer to the heart of God, I found myself feeling overwhelmed, discouraged and at times, even a bit depressed. I was broken for our clients as I read the testimonies of bonded laborers who had endured multiple instances of physical, verbal and sexual abuse. I was overwhelmed that even though we had saved many, there are thousands of other laborers still suffering. I was broken for the child beggars asking for money at each street corner and discouraged by the abundance of men and women who sleep on the street side both day and night. I was broken for each and every orphan that I had encountered during our search for Vinod and depressed that while children on the other side of the world (including myself) had experienced childhoods filled with cartoons and fruit snacks, these children were being robbed of their innocence with childhoods filled with pain and abandonment. Now that I had found the brokenness, I had literally lost all of the joy. I knew that God did not desire a broken heart to lead to utter discouragement, but I also did not understand how it was possible to experience joy amidst such suffering.

During this period of emotional brokenness, I became physically sick, and for the second time in two years, dealt with the painful side effects of shingles. Although I was extremely frustrated by my physical well-being, the time of rest it required resulted in some quality time to seek out some answers on the entire purpose behind brokenness. As I began to look up scripture, one particular verse struck me:

“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” [Ps. 16:11]

Through this verse, I began to see that the way in which I was dealing with my brokenness was keeping me from experiencing any type of lasting joy. “In your [God’s] presence, there is fullness of joy…” Instead of seeking God’s presence, I realized how often I run to the presence of other things to find that joy. I seek out the presence of people here, who I think can relate to what I’m feeling or I seek out the presence of friends and family at home for some type of familiar comfort. But the presence of these people, although maybe temporarily relieving my discouragement, still left me feeling ultimately unfulfilled. In order to experience the “fullness of joy”, I needed to stop running to the presence of others before first finding complete satisfaction in the presence of the Lord.  

I knew that God had called me to have a broken heart, but not at the cost of joy. He had called me to be broken, but not to be disheartened. As I struggled to find joy, I found peace in two different purposes for the brokenness that I had been experiencing. First, it is through my brokenness that the power of God is most able to be revealed to me. I am overwhelmed by my brokenness ultimately because I feel overwhelmed by my own lack of power. But this is where God is able to demonstrate his own power. It is not within my power to rescue every single bonded laborer from the abuse they are enduring. It is beyond my ability to provide for every child beggar or to give a home to every single man or woman sleeping on the street. And even though I wish I could, it is not possible for me to care for every single orphan who has been abandoned. But God has not called me to fix all that is broken out of my own power; He has called me to brokenness before Him so that He can display His own power.

Secondly, the purpose of brokenness is not to be discouraged or torn down, but to be strengthened through personal growth.

“We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” [Rom. 5:2-5]

I can find joy amidst suffering by focusing my attention on the potential growth that suffering can produce in my own life. As my heart breaks to see the daily prevalence of suffering and evil all around me, my pride also breaks as I am humbled by the reality of my own lack of power. In the past few weeks, there have been several moments when I’ve literally wanted to walk away from this work and from the things that I’ve been experiencing. But I know that it is through this struggle, that I am learning to press on. And it is through this perseverance, that my true character is developed, character that hopes and finds lasting joy in the abundant love and power of God.